8 and a half mile
by weirdDAR
Summary: COMPLETE! Third chapter is now final! I'd also like to say, if you're such a great Eminem fan, none of this would bother you, honestly. Think about it.
1. Starting off

8 1/2 mile.   
by weirdDAR  
  
(Scene opens with the camera moving down the road, as if it were a car. Eminem's voice is over heard)  
Eminem: Look, if you had one shot, or maybe three. Three is a good number. Or three opportunities...To seize everything you wanted...what would you do? Let it slip? Or what? Tell me. Common, answer me. ANSWER ME!!!!  
(The camera stops at a broken down trailer, where Eminem is working on his car on the front lawn. His friend, pot head dave, is hanging out with him.)  
Dave: Hey, Eminem, when will this car be fixed?  
Eminem: When you get off my back! I'm trying my best here. Why don't you get off your ass and help me?  
Dave: Because I'm suppose to be the lazy one. If I were actually to do something for the plot, we'd probably call the movie, "The Eminem and pot head Dave show"  
Eminem: I guess your right...hey, let's rap!  
Dave: Nah, man, I can't rap.  
Eminem: Why?  
Dave: Because I'm the only black man in this trailer park, and that might offend some people.  
Eminem: I get your point.  
*Dave turns the radio on, the song "Skaterboy" comes on. By Avril Lavigne*  
Eminem: Ah, man, this is da shit!  
Dave: *singing along* He was a boi she was a girl. can I make it any more obvious? He was a punk, she did ballet. What more can I say?   
Eminem: *cutting in* He wanted her, she'd never tell secretly she wanted him as well, but all of her friends stuck up their nose they had a problem with his baggy clothes.  
(Britney Spears comes out of the trailer, in this movie her name is slutty mommy)  
Mommy: What are you singing?  
Eminem: Nothing, ma. Just some Avril song.  
Mommy: *hears the music*He was a skater boy, she said see ya later boy. He wasn't good enough for her. She had a pretty face, but her head was up in space she needed to come back down to earth.  
Dave: Ah, your ma is down with the pop? You never told me, Em.  
Eminem: I didn't know...I thought she was more into hard core punk music. She doesn't look like someone who would like pop.  
  
*Scene cuts to Dave, Eminem and three other people in Eminem's car. Which is somehow now working.*  
Eminem:(who is driving) Okay, who wants to shoot the paintball gun?  
Dave: Nah, man, let's do something more dangerous! Pull in here!  
*Eminem pulls into a McDonald's parking lot. Which is closed, but since they're from the hood, no one will point that out to them.*  
Dave:*handing everyone lazer guns, when everyone gets one, he holds his up* Let's do this!  
*They all get out of the car and run to the playground. Everyone starts playing in the balls and on the slide, they play Lazer tag. Once they hear a police car pull up, they all scram. They all get away, except Eminem.*  
Officer: Alright, you think just because you ACT black, we're going to treat you black? No, you're wrong. We're still going to arrest you.  
Eminem: What did I do?  
Officer: You illegally sent out sublimial messages to little children that eatting purple pills and standing up if you truely believe you're the real slim shady.   
Eminem: None of those were sublimial though...They came straight out.  
Officer: Alright, fuck face.*He puts the hand cuffs on him* Just because you're white, doesn't mean I'm going to put up with you back talking me.  
*The officer takes Eminem away*  
Eminem:*Voice is overheard* If you had white skin, or even peachy type... you have to take some percausions. Just because you hate the world, it doesn't mean you're going to be treated right. See, the point of...  
Officer:*interupting* SHUT UP BACK THERE!  
*TO BE CONTINUED!*  
If I get enough reviews to influence me to write more, the next chapter will include Eminem falling in love with the least expected. Plus, Eminem's mom will sing a new version of "Cleaning out my closet".... 


	2. For the fans

8 and a half mile: The second chapter...dedicated to the 'fans'...  
by weirdDAR  
  
Narrarator: Our hero is in trouble. He's going straight to jail. And for what? No, really I don't remember. *Narrarator looks back to the first chapter* Ohhhh, now I remember. Anyway, we join him in prision where he and his cell mate are fighting.  
  
cell mate: Bend over, white boy!  
Eminem: Make me.  
Cell mate: Please don't tell me to make you...I hate it when people do that. Just simply bend over.  
Eminem: Who do you think you are? Dr Dre? Why the hell do you think I'll actualy let you do that.  
Cell mate:(in his best pussy voice)Awww, common...please? Just once? PLEASE????  
*Eminem walks over to his corner and talks to the camera*  
Eminem: I have to let everyone realize what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to escape. And the only way that is possible is if the guards turn their back for just one second.  
*In the background, 'lose yourself plays':  
If you had...one shot,  
one oppurtunity...  
COuld you escape?  
His arms are sweaty,   
digging spoon is ready  
There is dirt on his face already  
but no, he won't give up...aw, we're losing the tune...let's just get to the chorus.  
It's the diggin', when the guard goes,  
you can't let it go  
We only have one shot to make it work  
so let's hurry up and go..go!  
*Song ends...Eminem is seen running out of the jail's fense.*  
(As Eminem is running down the road, he's still talking to the camera)  
Look, for all of you HATERS that find it necessary to say this is offensive...don't read the story. I, Eminem, love reading parodies of my movie...especially from weirdDAR...he's so damn funny.  
(See? He's alright with the story...so for all of you anti-weirdDAR stories....go away...Eminem said he loves it...you follow and worship the pansy...so listen to him on this one.)  
*Eminem arrives home. When he gets inside his trailer, his mom is on the couch, having sex with a 4 year old*  
Eminem: What the fuck is going on?  
Mom: Look, it's not what it looks like.  
Eminem: THEN WHAT IS IT? YOU'RE HAVING SEX WITH A THREE YEAR OLD!  
Mom: *Looks at the kid* YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE FOUR!  
*Next scene, Mom is sitting on the front pourch, depressed*  
Mom: (to herself, in the tune of "cleaning out my closet") I'm sorry, Shady! I never met to have youuuu! I never meant to get knocked up, and tonight, a kid fucked me!  
*Next scene, Eminem is standing outside of a Quick stop, next to Jay and Silent Bob*  
Jay: *rapping* fuck, fuck, fuck, mother mother fuck, mother mother fuck.  
Eminem: Who would know, you two could show up in my movie.  
Jay: Yeah, pretty low, huh?  
Eminem: So, what would it take to make this story rated PG-13...you know, after all of the cursing.  
Silent Bob:(Everyone look! He's talking!) Well, you could do something very sweet and beautiful...but hey, what would I know? I can't make a movie that isn't close to being rated NC-17. Not with this ass, Jay.  
Eminem:(thinking) Something sweet, huh? I need to fall in love!  
*Just then, a 400 lb woman walks by*  
Jay: check out the tubby bitch, Silent Bob.  
(Silent Bob pukes)  
Eminem: Hey, I've seen her on Jerry Springer...she was wearing a bathing suit...She said, "There ain't no guy that don't won't a piece of dis"  
Jay: What the hell? You sure she didn't mean, "There ain't no guy out there that can't stand looking at me"?  
(Silent Bob continues puking, in between his puking, he puffs on a cigeratte.)  
Eminem: In order to get this story in a PG-13 rating...I'll have to sleep with her!  
Jay: If you decide to go down on her, make sure you have an oxygen tank...  
*Eminem runs after her. To make a long story short, he slept with her...and no, he didn't go down on her...but anyway, the story became PG-13...anyway...That doesn't explain why Jay and Silent Bob appeared in this...NEVER MIND*  
  
TO be continued...  
Review please. And remember: Sending me "Hate reviews" Is only necessary if you have no life. Thanks. 


	3. Final

The third installment of...  
8 1/2 mile  
by weirdDAR  
(who else would waste their time?)  
  
*A red curtain, like the cover of "The Eminem show" is seen, the curtains begin to open and Eminem walks out. He walks up to the microphone and clears his throat...song time!*  
(The tune of "White America")  
Damn America!  
I could be somewhere else!  
Damn America!  
Go to Canada, look at all the fans I lose!  
Damn Ameri--(Stops)  
(No longer rapping)  
Eminem: I'm sorry, folks! My producer said this song would really get me on the Top 40 billboard charts...I guess you should never trust an Arab. By the way, welcome to the third installment of Eight and a half mile! Sorry it took so long, the writer went on vacation. DAMN YOU, WEIRDDAR! Anyway, the third installment will involve super natural forces! Plus, some naked warthogs! YEAH! WORTHOGS!  
(Eminem walks out, behind the curtain, the audience leaves.)  
Narrarator:(voiced by Jason Lee) See, kids, Eminem is facing a difficult problem with this third installment...he wants more! But the sad part is, it's not possible for 'more', because he can hardly act. So as he tries...the show still goes on.  
(First scene: Eminem is seen walking down his trailer park road...named "8 1/2 mile"...duh. Eminem is walking his dog, "Virginity")  
Eminem: (To the camera) This is my dog. His name is Virginity. I really hate him. I've had my Virginity since the day I was born. Someone gave it to me. It's too old to move on though.(Notice budget error: The dog looks a little over being a puppy...Sorry, we don't have enough money for an old dog...Eminem's lawsuits, hookers, drugs and candies cost a lot.) So today, I'm going to ask one of these fine trailer girls if they would like to take my Virginity off my hands.  
(Eminem walks up to a random trailer and knocks on the door. A slutty ass looking woman shows up at the door.)  
Woman: May I help you?  
Eminem: Yeah, I was wondering if you could take my Virginity off my hands.  
Woman: Uh...how much?  
Eminem: No, I don't want any money for you to take Virginity...it's just...I've had my Virginity for so long.  
Woman: No,No,No, I meant how much will you pay me?  
Eminem: Hmmm, I didn't think I'd have to pay. How much do you think it'd cost?  
Woman: Let's say...twenty dollars for tonight.  
Eminem: No, I'd like you to take my Virginity for longer than that.  
Woman: Sorry, hun, I have other customers...but since you seem like a nice guy, I'll take your virginity off your hands for ten dollars.  
Eminem: Gee, golly,(Okay, I don't know why he's starting to talk like this) Do ya really mean it, miss?  
Woman: Yes, I mean it.   
Eminem:(Hands her a ten dollar bill) Thanks a bunch.  
Woman:(Takes Virginity)I'll watch over him real good for you, alright?  
Eminem: Thanks a bunch.(Leaves)  
(Scene blacks out, next scene: in a local club, Eminem(His rapper name is "Fluffy Bunny Rabbit" here) is in a rapping contest with Snoop Dogg, which shouldn't be hard for Fluffy Bunny Rabbit at all, right? I mean, it's Snoop Dogg for christ sake!)  
Announcer: You'll have sixty seconds to win the crowd's affection. The winner of the contest will be judged by the crowd's noise. (Notice budget problem: Only 20 people are in the audience...and that doesn't include the 15 passed out homeless people we just picked up off the street and drugged them to pass out so we could use them.)The winner tonight will go home with a brand new VMW Beetle! Snoop Doggy Dog, you're up!  
Snoopy Dog: Before you ring the bell, let me say if you EVER call me snoop doggy dog again...I'll kill you.  
(Bell rings)  
Snoop:(Rapping) Look at this white boy right here,   
he has weird shoes...mind if I call them gear?  
(Gear and here rhyme! ahh, he's sooo talented.)  
Listen to me, white boy,  
I'm going to fu** you up, like a play toy  
(Sorry, Snoop Dogg doesn't like his curse words to be exposed...hehe, Gear and here)  
Sorry to say, I'm going to win tonight  
I got the crowd going, like Osama with a flight.  
(I think someone...not saying who, but someone is going to get yelled at by sensitive pricks.*coughs:Snoop Dogg*)  
(Bell rings, even though he didn't rap for 60 seconds, but I had all those notes, it took up his time...it sucked anyway.)  
Announcer: Wasn't that great? Alright, it's your turn Fluffy Bunny Rabbit...  
(Bell rings)  
Eminem: Yo, I'm sorry, but you had a bad rap...  
Even sounded like a piece of crap.  
I wonder what would happen if you got shot in the head,  
hey, speaking of head,  
guess what Dr Dre and I did last night?  
(lossing his rapping tune, he starts talking to the audience)  
Yeah, last night, Dre and I...we had quite some fun. It all started when...(Bell rings, stopping Eminem)  
Eminem: What the hell? That was not 60 seconds.  
Announcer: You were 'rapping' long enough. We couldn't see it go any further. Now...for the judgement. Audience...who says Snoop should win? (Sound error: You hear about a million people scream at a time, cheering and yelling weird words that only people from the hood understands[I.E. ah, yea, that be tight, yo AND Tricky, tricky, this be off da chain])  
Announcer: And....should Eminem win? (you hear silence, with an exception of crickets in the background)  
(Eminem runs off, crying like a little girl)  
(Scene blacks out in the parking lot, Eminem is walking to his car, which is a shopping cart.)  
Eminem: I'll never rap again. Maybe I can become an actavist or something.   
(He notices something in his cart...a silver tube. He opens it and a pair of sunglasses pop up. He puts them on, a voice is heard through the glasses.)  
Voice: (Sounds like...Anthony Hopkins)Your mission, should you choose to accept it, Mr. Eminem, is to get better rhymes and find a more populated club to play at...That will get this movie showing at the box office. Not for you to become a fucking actavist...GOD DAMN! Anyway, this message will self destruct in five seconds.  
Eminem: (to the voice) Common, can I please keep the glasses? I mean, they're really cool and I---(The glasses explode on Eminem's face, he falls on the ground, appearing to be dead)  
  
To be continued...  
  
(Oooh, nice cliffhanger, huh? Well, since it's "To be continued" we know he's not dead. Since the movie is all about him, of course. But the explosion had a good impact on his face...and his bleach BROWN hair. So what will happen? Does anyone care? Read and review...tell me what YOU think should happen.) 


End file.
